Wish I could meet them

I will never forget the day I first found out that I was pregnant... I knew something was different, I couldn't put my finger on it exactly and every test  I took said negative. I was convinced that there was no way this could be so, even though the Doctor's said I would probably never have children, I just knew this was it. I decided (without telling John) that I would go to the hospital and get a blood test done.

The nurse was taking all my information and asked me why I thought I may be pregnant? I explained that I had no real reason to think this but I just had this feeling. By the time the Doctor came in to take my blood I was wondering if I was just making it all up in my head, he looked at me and said... " well, you know your chances of getting pregnant right? and you don't have insurance? you actually still want to take this test?" I couldn't believe my ears. Yes, I would like you to please take my blood and run the test, as he left the room my emotions overcame me, was he right? The Doctors said I couldn't have children, was I just longing so much that I became obsessed with the idea?

It took them almost an hour to come back with the results and as I waited I heard the nurses around the corner literally betting on the results, then I heard the first nurse (the kind, and excited nurse) say that she wanted to tell me first! For the very first moment I realized the actual possibility that I could in fact be pregnant.

The result... the Dr. came in and handed me a prescription and all he said was you need to start taking these right away. The nurse however, came close and gently said "Its positive" this is for your prenatal s". I broke into tears, is this a dream? I followed my body and my heart, I knew I was pregnant and in fact I was right a new perfect little soul was growing inside me.

I came home, nervous to tell John, not knowing any details or what his reaction would be. As he shoved a piece of pizza in his mouth, I told him we were going to have a baby. His first reaction was joy and excitement then came the concern of money and responsibility. We decided not to tell anyone yet and 10 minutes later he was on the phone calling everyone he knew telling them he was going to be a daddy!

That first baby was already over 12 weeks alive by the time we found out, we lost our first child just 3 1/2 weeks later. A pain so real and so deep there is no words really to describe it. I wish I could meet my baby

Four years, two more angel babies, fertility treatments, and lots of prayer later and our hearts were lifted again as we found out we were expecting again... It didn't matter how nervous we were, it didn't matter the pain we had felt before and the pain of having to tell everyone we knew about our loss, we decided that it was a backwards way to begin a life if you start it in fear by keeping it a secret in case something happens... We told everyone we knew when we were just three weeks pregnant, asking for their positive thoughts and prayer for this baby.

Amazingly enough, within the first week, I knew that I was pregnant and in my heart knew it was not just one baby! I have learned to trust my body and my heart entirely.

The day we first say our babies was a day of shock for John and pure joy for me! TWINS what an incredible gift that we would be blessed with two babies at the same time.

We are given challenges that may seem unbearable in life, obstacles that seem impossible to overcome, but we are only given what we are able to handle and through loss can come many hidden blessings.

We lost Hayden's twin around 12 weeks. I had gone through this pain before, but how do you grieve a loss so sever, and at the same time rejoice in the miracle of a baby still thriving. It was an incredibly confusing and emotional time. I wish I could meet my baby.

Not a day goes by that I do not think of and love our angle babies.

As I hold my beautiful son in my arms I am overwhelmingly thankful for this amazing little blessing! There are days that my heart aches for the thought of his twin, what would he/she look like? would they have been walking early like their brother? The connection between them so strong, they would have been so close!

I watch a beautiful baby girl who is just 4 1/2 months younger than Hayden, she has been coming ever since she was 12 weeks old, She and Hayden will grow up together.

Every time I go anywhere with the two of them... at least one person (usually many) ask if they are twins. Every time I am asked that question, my heart sinks for just a second with the longing of my child and then I look into Hayden's eyes and the amazement I have for him fills every part of me with joy.

I know some day I will meet all of my children each one a miracle, each one a blessing. I just have to remind my self of that, on days where every part of me misses them and wishes I would meet them today!