Wish I could meet them

I will never forget the day I first found out that I was pregnant... I knew something was different, I couldn't put my finger on it exactly and every test  I took said negative. I was convinced that there was no way this could be so, even though the Doctor's said I would probably never have children, I just knew this was it. I decided (without telling John) that I would go to the hospital and get a blood test done.

The nurse was taking all my information and asked me why I thought I may be pregnant? I explained that I had no real reason to think this but I just had this feeling. By the time the Doctor came in to take my blood I was wondering if I was just making it all up in my head, he looked at me and said... " well, you know your chances of getting pregnant right? and you don't have insurance? you actually still want to take this test?" I couldn't believe my ears. Yes, I would like you to please take my blood and run the test, as he left the room my emotions overcame me, was he right? The Doctors said I couldn't have children, was I just longing so much that I became obsessed with the idea?

It took them almost an hour to come back with the results and as I waited I heard the nurses around the corner literally betting on the results, then I heard the first nurse (the kind, and excited nurse) say that she wanted to tell me first! For the very first moment I realized the actual possibility that I could in fact be pregnant.

The result... the Dr. came in and handed me a prescription and all he said was you need to start taking these right away. The nurse however, came close and gently said "Its positive" this is for your prenatal s". I broke into tears, is this a dream? I followed my body and my heart, I knew I was pregnant and in fact I was right a new perfect little soul was growing inside me.

I came home, nervous to tell John, not knowing any details or what his reaction would be. As he shoved a piece of pizza in his mouth, I told him we were going to have a baby. His first reaction was joy and excitement then came the concern of money and responsibility. We decided not to tell anyone yet and 10 minutes later he was on the phone calling everyone he knew telling them he was going to be a daddy!

That first baby was already over 12 weeks alive by the time we found out, we lost our first child just 3 1/2 weeks later. A pain so real and so deep there is no words really to describe it. I wish I could meet my baby

Four years, two more angel babies, fertility treatments, and lots of prayer later and our hearts were lifted again as we found out we were expecting again... It didn't matter how nervous we were, it didn't matter the pain we had felt before and the pain of having to tell everyone we knew about our loss, we decided that it was a backwards way to begin a life if you start it in fear by keeping it a secret in case something happens... We told everyone we knew when we were just three weeks pregnant, asking for their positive thoughts and prayer for this baby.

Amazingly enough, within the first week, I knew that I was pregnant and in my heart knew it was not just one baby! I have learned to trust my body and my heart entirely.

The day we first say our babies was a day of shock for John and pure joy for me! TWINS what an incredible gift that we would be blessed with two babies at the same time.

We are given challenges that may seem unbearable in life, obstacles that seem impossible to overcome, but we are only given what we are able to handle and through loss can come many hidden blessings.

We lost Hayden's twin around 12 weeks. I had gone through this pain before, but how do you grieve a loss so sever, and at the same time rejoice in the miracle of a baby still thriving. It was an incredibly confusing and emotional time. I wish I could meet my baby.

Not a day goes by that I do not think of and love our angle babies.

As I hold my beautiful son in my arms I am overwhelmingly thankful for this amazing little blessing! There are days that my heart aches for the thought of his twin, what would he/she look like? would they have been walking early like their brother? The connection between them so strong, they would have been so close!

I watch a beautiful baby girl who is just 4 1/2 months younger than Hayden, she has been coming ever since she was 12 weeks old, She and Hayden will grow up together.

Every time I go anywhere with the two of them... at least one person (usually many) ask if they are twins. Every time I am asked that question, my heart sinks for just a second with the longing of my child and then I look into Hayden's eyes and the amazement I have for him fills every part of me with joy.

I know some day I will meet all of my children each one a miracle, each one a blessing. I just have to remind my self of that, on days where every part of me misses them and wishes I would meet them today!

Simplicity

The beauty and simplicity that is all around us and yet is often not noticed or appreciated! This is just miles from our home and an incredibly peaceful place, In all the years I have lived here... I don't recall ever going here before, how sad

 

 

 

There are moments in every day where my mind gets caught up in the material world and without thinking I am comparing my life in terms of "stuff" to other people. This is not the way I strive to live, nor the way that I intend on spending my time. I am most fulfilled and happiest when my life is full of simplicity! Remembering the importance of spending time with loved ones and soaking in the glory of our surroundings and our love no matter what we "have" or where we are!

 

A simple smile can melt your heart and instill hope! Watching Hayden explore this world from the sun shining bright above him to the leaves crunching beneath him I am reminded that the simplicity of living in each moment and deeply breathing in the peace of our surroundings is enough to bring peace within and make my soul smile :)

Today I held A beautiful seven week old baby boy and cuddled his plump little body as the corners of his mouth curled up into a sleepy smile full of peace. All he needs in his life to be perfectly satisfied is his loving family. I know that things undoubtedly become more challenging as we grow up, but the basics are still there. All we need to be satisfied and to thrive are loved ones in our lives, willing to protect, challenge, love, and question us as we go through life learning and loving with our whole selves, always striving to reach deeper within ourselves instead of striving to reach monetary or social glory.  

If every grown up would take a second to lay in a pile of leaves... listening to them crunch, smelling the crisp autumn air, and gazing into the clear blue sky...we would have a much happier, peaceful group of grown ups!

loving and laughing together

Picking the perfect pumpkin with daddy

 My days consist of playing, dancing, reading, singing, cooking, cleaning, creating, cuddling, kissing, comforting, teaching, and loving.They are full of noise and silence, chaos and peace. They are spent with children and family creating memories that will last a lifetime. A simple life. My life!

Through My Child's Eyes

I wake to the sound of his cooing and calling for me, "Mama" is his newest discovery into the world of language, I walk to his bed and sing to him good morning as he reaches for me with squinted eyes and a proud smile I pick him up and hold him close as he snuggles deeply into my grasp. We cozy back up in bed with Daddy and are eyes lock as he nurses, only stopping every once in a while to give a big smile and turn to make sure his father is still there beside him.

In just five short days my baby will be 11 months old and as quickly as I type this he is turning from my tiny baby into a precocious little boy. Over the past eleven months I have had the most incredible chance to see things through a child's eyes again. Everything in sight becomes a moment of awe struck amazement, the simplest of things is a deep exploration into the world around him and along side him, his father and I witnessing these momentary miracles into the discovery of childhood.



As "grown ups" we so quickly lose sight of the beauty and adventure of this world we live in. We take for granted the simple joys of life and replace them with obligations and stress filled moments of image and success. We neglect the pure need for truth and instead go the "easy" route when things become challenging. If we all take a moment to look at our own lives through the eyes of a child we will see things in a very different light.


The car we drive that in our eyes seems old, ugly, and unworthy is an incredible, magical machine that takes us places and makes cool sounds and has cool lights through a child's eyes.


The house we live in that seems to be not as nice or as clean as our friends home in our eyes, is a loving, warm, safe place where family spends time together through a child's eyes.


Time in our "grown up" eyes is limited and needs to be put to the most productive use... we never have "time" to enjoy things. Time in a child's eyes is everlasting! It is a concept that doesn't even pertain to the thoughts of a young child and the idea of not having time to explore, play, cuddle, laugh, and sit in silent peaceful love with family is non-existent.


I am learning more than I ever have and appreciating my life, my time, and each magical moment I have to know and be with my family as I spend each day looking at my truest blessing, my son and striving to see my world through his eyes.