The first morning of a new year.... a good sign!

Still feeling achy and tired the cries of an early riser in the house would normally make me throw the blankets off and stumble in to greet this loud little person, but this morning to my amazement before I peeled my eyes apart, the calling out stopped and instead I heard the sweet sound of a father greeting his son good morning. 

Still wrapped in my big cozy blanket and eyes gently shut I feel the warmth and excitement of this little baby crawling on top of me trying to figure out how to get beneath the blankets.

I open my eyes and smile, "good morning my love"! His response is merely an eye squinting grin beneath his soother and a head tilting little giggle as if to say... there you are mommy, Good Morning!

We lay together as he nurses, embracing the reality that it is now an entirely new year! 2011, how exactly did that happen? I practice everyday to keep myself in the present, enjoying each moment and trying not to let anything slip through my fingers... I believe I have succeeded in this practice and still, with the blink of an eye, a year has ended and the pages have turned, another year has now begun.

While I soak up these moments cuddling Hayden while he is still slightly still, I hear music from the living room and noises that resemble one of two things... a mess being made or a mess being cleaned. Silently wishing it was the later of the two, Hayden and I cautiously make our way out of the bedroom and into the kitchen.

There he is, standing in the kitchen a cheesy grin on his face and a silly dance in his feet... cleaning the kitchen, laundry already in and ready to wash the floors. 6:30 in the morning on Saturday, New Years Day and all is right in the world :)

What a difference a year makes...

Where we were one year ago.


There are moments in every life that leave you no choice but to stop and pray. Not everyone has the same beliefs and not everyone prays the same way. But everyone at some point in there life will find themselves faced with a situation so overwhelming, so confusing, so frightening that without thinking... you find yourself praying.

We found ourselves swimming in these moments a year ago. Hayden was less than a month old, I was still recovering from surgery, John was doing whatever he could to keep us a float. The fact was... we had both been out of work for the previous few months... me do to bed rest and John do to the economy. We had worked out an arrangement with our mortgage company (or so we thought) and I continued to follow up with them weekly. I began to get a bit nervous... everyone we spoke with said the same thing "everything is good... paperwork just takes a long time", I decided that I needed a date of when we would have this agreement in writing... this agreement that meant we had not payed our mortgage in almost 6 months... LONG story short, a conference call with a bank supervisor, myself, and my father ended in the sickening reality that the bank had denied this agreement and never told us. The house was in foreclosure.

In our hearts we new that what was important was the health and safety of our family. Where ever we ended up living... we would be together with our new baby. Telling our minds what our hearts new, that was a different story. I spent hours calmly rocking my newborn in the rocking chair praying that we find peace... not even for our house to be saved, but that we find peace. Never before would I have had the calm strength within me to get through this, but Hayden gave me that strength and clarity. It was so important to me to provide Hayden with a peaceful environment to not let his first few months be filled with stress and worry... so the morning and the anger came when he was sleeping. I was able to look at the absolute disaster occurring in my life and "let go and let god" if you will. There were moments of pure panic, moments of unwanted embarrassment and many moments of fear for the unknown. This was supposed to be the home Hayden grew up in... what would we do know?... how and why was this happening?

It was not for another two months that we were blessed with the presence of peace... tax returns and selling some property and this entire, un-necessary mess was all going to go away. Our frustration with the corporate world however was/is stronger than ever. Even with, maybe especially because of Hayden we found ourselves in moments of silent cries and prayers.

Today one year later as we celebrate the holidays and Hayden's first year we are reminded of pain and suffering, of hardships and of loss as people in our lives find themselves in moments of confusion and doubt and sadness in an unjust world. We have been blessed to have the oppertunity for me to bring in an income while staying home with my baby and John has steady work even now which is a first in many years.

What a difference a year makes. May 2011 bring amazing moments of peace for all those in need especially to those in our lives that have been such pillars of strength and faith throughout the challenges and fears we have faced this last year. What a difference a year can make.

Hayden turns One!

Hayden Lahti Belfy born at 11:57am on December 22, 2009.

5 pounds 11.9 ounces and 19 inches long

Full of love and peace and personality right from the start.

My eyes leak with tears of bittersweet memories of this last year. I put away the rest of his clothes that he has out grown and decided to get out his preemie outfits, I needed to see the difference a year makes in something more than pictures. My heart filled with the memories of his tiny, perfect little body just minutes in the outside world and literally able to fit in my forearm. I am delighted and proud of how grown up he has become, but the twinge of sadness for those first days still linger.

He has changed and grown so much, here are the things Hayden has accomplished and experienced in his first  year!

Hayden Lahti Belfy  December 22, 2010.

  16 pounds 12 ounces and 28 5/8 inches long

One Year Old Today.

8 teeth and 5 more bulging, ready to pop through

                                                

Hayden Can...

Stand up on his own
Walk

Run
Climb

bend down without falling

Pick up toys while standing

wave

dance (he just learned to shake his booty)

kick a ball

roll a ball

use musical instruments

scribble with crayons

play peek-a-boo

play hide and seek

play chase

 "drive" (Ride on) his little car
Imitate others
Sing

Hayden's Word List...

Hi

Dada

Daddy

Mama

baby

bye-bye

he is so close to so many more!

Hayden's Favorite Foods..

Garlic Hummus

Roasted Red Pepper Hummus

Fermented Carrots and Dill

Kimchee

Goat Milk Kefir

Goat milk Yogurt

ALL fruits

ALL Veggies (not the biggest fan of Broccoli)

Organic Oatmeal smoothies

Carrot juice

Veggie Juice

Beans and Rice

Edamame Salad

Red potato and garlic soup
Creamy Broccoli soup

Barley biscuits

Veggie Puffs

veggie Spaghetti
Chicken salad with wild rice
Cinnamon spice cake (no sugar)

Hayden has never...

Watched TV/Movies

Had any Sugar of any kind

had any medication (oops, once for bronchitis)

had any pain reliever (other than breast milk)

been vaccinated

had processed foods

Hayden LOVES...

Outdoors

Baby Yoga

Baby Massage

Books

Music (especially Phish and sweet honey on the rock)

Playing with Friends

breastfeeding
going in the woods with daddy
Dancing

Hayden is still trying to...
Clap
Sign (eat, more, milk) he almost has it
 this list really never ends! Which is a lovely part of life

Looking at this list... I know I am leaving things out, trying to capture milestones and moments from the first year of your child's life is an amazing and emotional journey. Something you can never fully prepare yourself for, but if you embrace every part of it... you will learn more and love more than you ever thought possible! What a year!

Magical Moments

The night sky is dark, Snowflakes gently float down to kiss our noses.
The air is crisp with a chill that cools our skin even under three layers of clothes and the chatter of love and thoughtfulness fills the streets as we walk snuggled together in each others warmth.
A magical moment.

One year ago I lay in a hospital bed hugely uncomfortable, silently praying for a healthy baby and a peaceful delivery. John holding me tight as it occurred to us that this would be the last night of our lives that it would just be the two of us, Hayden did not join us for another three days, but we were right, it was our last night alone since my family and doctor after doctor were with us from the next morning until Hayden's arrival. One year later and we spent the first night alone together again remembering all the magical moments of the last year.

This year has been filled with moment after moment of awe and delight. Moments of overwhelming love and complete pride. Moments of admiration and faith.

Hayden has a big boy laugh now... a giggle that makes your soul dance, he fills the house with laughter as we sit on the couch and play games of tickle monsters and peek-a-boo. in between bouts of uncontrollable laughter he sighs deeply as he rest his head to my chest and cuddles for a moment while I kiss him softly on his head. Sitting straight up again... it takes just a moment for him to be ready once more. These are such magical moments.

John walks through the door after a long day in the cold, as he bends down to untie his boots Hayden hears him, and runs with hyperventilating excitement saying over and over "dadadadadadadada, daddy, dadadadada". When there eyes finally meet, Hayden lets out a squeal of joy and love reaching up for his favorite person in the world. John reaches down and lifts this tiny little person into a great big hug, saying to him "thank you for the hugs buddy, daddy loves you", smothering him with kisses their bond is full of love and trust and respect. Magical moments.

As I walk around the counter and into the kitchen, he can no longer see me. I hear quick little pitter-patters of tiny toes coming my way. A curious, sneaky little smile pokes around the corner and our eyes meet. The jolt of excitement of being caught rushes through him as he turns and runs out of site once more. back and forth he comes playing a game with me... where am I mommy? here I come. Oh no you found me!!! and over and over we play. a magical moment.

We pull into the drive way... impatience taking over, we are both so ready to see our baby this morning. Our first night away from him, less than 18 hours gone and we can not wait to see his face and snuggle his tiny little body. John walks in first and there he is, Grandma holding him, ear to ear grin and arms stretched out. Our family is whole again. I followed behind John my heart pounding to hold my sweet baby. As I pick him up and smother him with kisses and cuddles the emotions of the last years struggles and miracles  fill my heart and I can not stop thinking about how blessed I am. This is a truly magical moment.

Giving Thanks

The last child left at 5:05pm, I quickly made something for dinner and fed the baby. Bath Time, massage, books, nurse, bed followed. I briefly said hello to John as I walked out the door to head into town for some last minute items at the store. The house was messier than usual and I was feeling overwhelmed to say the least.

While I was still at the store my phone rang... "hello..." nothing "hello..." Sobbing. "Hayden it's mama, shshshsh, it's ok sweet heart, shshshshsh...." John - Honey Hayden needs you...

"Hayden needs you", those words play back to me while I hurray to finish at the store and safely speed home to my family. This day being the one of the first since he was born that I needed a minute. Just a little time alone. But Hayden needed me.

I walked in the door and looked into those weepy eyes as he reached out for me... A minute alone? there is no resentment, no frustration, truth is I needed him just as much! We snuggled down on the couch and as he nursed I sat silently in peace... a moment to my self, it didn't need to be alone.

As I softly lay him back in his crib, John came beside me and smiled at his peacefulness. I managed to get the house cleaned, the tables and chairs set up and decorated, I was just sitting down to wind my self down for bed, when that peaceful little baby of ours gave out a sequel, screech, and cry that made me jump out of my seat. Then the night really began. Who knows why (teeth most likely) but Hayden was awake for hours... when he finally went down, he would wake again just a short while later.

It was then 9:30am and family began to arrive, Hayden and I were beginning the day with less than three hours sleep. Twenty people for a lovely Thanks Giving Celebration in my home... they arrived at 9:30am and left at 9:30pm... Hayden was miserable, tired...too tired to sleep, I was disoriented and felt less than helpful in my own home and as the last of the guest left, John and I stood in the middle of our home and as I stared into the mess... I decided I really did need that moment alone!

It sounds of stress and frustration, but that is not how it felt.... there were moments of course, and there was sleep deprivation and overwhelming tasks but the feeling of Thank Giving this year was more abundant than ever for me.

I am so incredibly thankful for my strong, loving, honest parents who have given all they are to my siblings and I and now to my son. I am so incredibly thankful for my hard working, supportive, amazing husband. I am so incredibly thankful for my healthy, beautiful, miracle baby who has blessed our lives in every way and continues to do so each day. I am so incredibly thankful for my family and friends and for this life we have been blessed with.

Wish I could meet them

I will never forget the day I first found out that I was pregnant... I knew something was different, I couldn't put my finger on it exactly and every test  I took said negative. I was convinced that there was no way this could be so, even though the Doctor's said I would probably never have children, I just knew this was it. I decided (without telling John) that I would go to the hospital and get a blood test done.

The nurse was taking all my information and asked me why I thought I may be pregnant? I explained that I had no real reason to think this but I just had this feeling. By the time the Doctor came in to take my blood I was wondering if I was just making it all up in my head, he looked at me and said... " well, you know your chances of getting pregnant right? and you don't have insurance? you actually still want to take this test?" I couldn't believe my ears. Yes, I would like you to please take my blood and run the test, as he left the room my emotions overcame me, was he right? The Doctors said I couldn't have children, was I just longing so much that I became obsessed with the idea?

It took them almost an hour to come back with the results and as I waited I heard the nurses around the corner literally betting on the results, then I heard the first nurse (the kind, and excited nurse) say that she wanted to tell me first! For the very first moment I realized the actual possibility that I could in fact be pregnant.

The result... the Dr. came in and handed me a prescription and all he said was you need to start taking these right away. The nurse however, came close and gently said "Its positive" this is for your prenatal s". I broke into tears, is this a dream? I followed my body and my heart, I knew I was pregnant and in fact I was right a new perfect little soul was growing inside me.

I came home, nervous to tell John, not knowing any details or what his reaction would be. As he shoved a piece of pizza in his mouth, I told him we were going to have a baby. His first reaction was joy and excitement then came the concern of money and responsibility. We decided not to tell anyone yet and 10 minutes later he was on the phone calling everyone he knew telling them he was going to be a daddy!

That first baby was already over 12 weeks alive by the time we found out, we lost our first child just 3 1/2 weeks later. A pain so real and so deep there is no words really to describe it. I wish I could meet my baby

Four years, two more angel babies, fertility treatments, and lots of prayer later and our hearts were lifted again as we found out we were expecting again... It didn't matter how nervous we were, it didn't matter the pain we had felt before and the pain of having to tell everyone we knew about our loss, we decided that it was a backwards way to begin a life if you start it in fear by keeping it a secret in case something happens... We told everyone we knew when we were just three weeks pregnant, asking for their positive thoughts and prayer for this baby.

Amazingly enough, within the first week, I knew that I was pregnant and in my heart knew it was not just one baby! I have learned to trust my body and my heart entirely.

The day we first say our babies was a day of shock for John and pure joy for me! TWINS what an incredible gift that we would be blessed with two babies at the same time.

We are given challenges that may seem unbearable in life, obstacles that seem impossible to overcome, but we are only given what we are able to handle and through loss can come many hidden blessings.

We lost Hayden's twin around 12 weeks. I had gone through this pain before, but how do you grieve a loss so sever, and at the same time rejoice in the miracle of a baby still thriving. It was an incredibly confusing and emotional time. I wish I could meet my baby.

Not a day goes by that I do not think of and love our angle babies.

As I hold my beautiful son in my arms I am overwhelmingly thankful for this amazing little blessing! There are days that my heart aches for the thought of his twin, what would he/she look like? would they have been walking early like their brother? The connection between them so strong, they would have been so close!

I watch a beautiful baby girl who is just 4 1/2 months younger than Hayden, she has been coming ever since she was 12 weeks old, She and Hayden will grow up together.

Every time I go anywhere with the two of them... at least one person (usually many) ask if they are twins. Every time I am asked that question, my heart sinks for just a second with the longing of my child and then I look into Hayden's eyes and the amazement I have for him fills every part of me with joy.

I know some day I will meet all of my children each one a miracle, each one a blessing. I just have to remind my self of that, on days where every part of me misses them and wishes I would meet them today!

Simplicity

The beauty and simplicity that is all around us and yet is often not noticed or appreciated! This is just miles from our home and an incredibly peaceful place, In all the years I have lived here... I don't recall ever going here before, how sad

 

 

 

There are moments in every day where my mind gets caught up in the material world and without thinking I am comparing my life in terms of "stuff" to other people. This is not the way I strive to live, nor the way that I intend on spending my time. I am most fulfilled and happiest when my life is full of simplicity! Remembering the importance of spending time with loved ones and soaking in the glory of our surroundings and our love no matter what we "have" or where we are!

 

A simple smile can melt your heart and instill hope! Watching Hayden explore this world from the sun shining bright above him to the leaves crunching beneath him I am reminded that the simplicity of living in each moment and deeply breathing in the peace of our surroundings is enough to bring peace within and make my soul smile :)

Today I held A beautiful seven week old baby boy and cuddled his plump little body as the corners of his mouth curled up into a sleepy smile full of peace. All he needs in his life to be perfectly satisfied is his loving family. I know that things undoubtedly become more challenging as we grow up, but the basics are still there. All we need to be satisfied and to thrive are loved ones in our lives, willing to protect, challenge, love, and question us as we go through life learning and loving with our whole selves, always striving to reach deeper within ourselves instead of striving to reach monetary or social glory.  

If every grown up would take a second to lay in a pile of leaves... listening to them crunch, smelling the crisp autumn air, and gazing into the clear blue sky...we would have a much happier, peaceful group of grown ups!

loving and laughing together

Picking the perfect pumpkin with daddy

 My days consist of playing, dancing, reading, singing, cooking, cleaning, creating, cuddling, kissing, comforting, teaching, and loving.They are full of noise and silence, chaos and peace. They are spent with children and family creating memories that will last a lifetime. A simple life. My life!